For the last 10 years Mum’s been going on at me to ‘get a proper job’ although more recently that’s been downgraded to ‘get a job’. She’s always harks back to the days when I worked at Standard Life (data entry - and I was shit at it) – even during the times I’m working at the BBC she'll still say ‘Do you never think about going back to Standard Life?’
Family do you accept the challenge?
I see from your concerned expressions that the challenge is accepted – very well then, follow me to Kelvingrove park, and prepare yourself to do battle in…
The Inter-family Satsuma Throwing Challenge!
The rules of this challenge are quite simple, who so ever throws a Satsuma the furthest shall be victorious.
So let’s meet the challengers
Name: Mum
Age: 59
Specialist interests: bowling, line-dancing, making the tea
Final words before battle: Get a job!
Name: Dad
Age: 62
Specialist interests: reading the paper, walking the dog
'Hurry up before some neds come'.
Name:Mhairi Age: 11
Specialist interests: pony trekking, dancing, athletics
Final words before battle: Is this like the time you wore pants on your head and goggles and chased us with a basketball?
Name: Kirsty
Age: 8
Specialist interests: Brownies, nose picking
Final words before battle: I'm thirsty, I'm hungry etc.
Name: Allan aka 'Somemachine' Age: Varies
Areas of excellence: challenges, feats of strength, competitive urinating
Final Words before battle: I call upon the power of ODIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! .
Enough with the formalities - it's time to Challenge Allan!
Let the Satsuma throwing commence – First to throw is Mum - best of order please.
Distance: 16 meters! – Ha ha pathetic – get back in the kitchen woman!
Next to throw is Mhairi
Distance: 35meters! Not bad young warrior, with dedication and training one day you may be a worthy adversary – but not today!
Okay Kirsty, you talk a good game, but let's see if you can back it up?
Distance: 17.5 meters! – HA! YOU ARE A JOKE!!!!
Step forward Dad and show me the monkey!
Distance: 38 meters! - Your powers are weak old man.
Now stand back lesser mortals, it’s time to open up a can of whoop bottom on your ass.
Distance: 57meters Oh yeah that’s what I’m talking about. Victory is mine!!! Smell my powerrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!
How do you like that how do you like them apples, I mean Satsuma’s? Yeah, in your face, loooooooooo-ser!!
Loooooooooo-ser!!!
Loooooooooo-ser!!!
Want some more? No didn’t think so. Loooooooo-sers!!!!!
'Why don't you go back to work at Standard life?'
13 comments:
Fuck. When you said to me you had long johns on, i don't think i quite appreciated that you...had long johns on. You have fucking lost it. Excellent stuff though. You really have broken through that sanity boundary. Now make use of that freedom to become successful. Then i'm going to ride your coat tails, just like the old days.
I see that photo. Where you lean back a bit. And your little nub can be seen through your longjohns.
brilliant, as all issues should be resolved from now on.
Haha, fuckin brilliant. Lucky it wisnae a monopoly challenge or the nieces would have turned on ye, they always go running to the older generation when the funds run low and property development pressures are weighing on them...
perhaps the single funniest blog entry in '06. you should be on thr register for subjecting those girls to the rough outline of your genitals.
Really good post by the way.
Teddy - You better buckle-up, because I'm taking you down next! It might be a rematch of the breath holding competition in Stevens house at Christmas - or it might be another punching contest like the one at the bowling alley last year - all I will say is that boy you'd better get yourself some clean underwear and plenty of shuteye!
Bonemonkey - Why are you looking at my nub?? You're as bad as my mum! Like I told her at the time - 'That's not my cock, that's the power of ODIN rising within me'.
David - Exactly, Let's send some satsumas to Iraq! Would everyone be touching cloth if Kim Jong-il had been testing underground jaffas?
9000 - Those kids could buy and sell me, and one day I think they will.
Dick - not genitals - ODIN!!!!
I was going to comment on your package but it seems to have been the main point of interest for all viewers!! Love your Dad's Sunday Post face at the end!
Alyson (bonemonkey's burd)
Your parents rock.. and as for your nieces well done them for actually being seen out with you dressed like that..
Hey Alyson, I don't mind if you want to comment on my massive package - I guess you were going to say how it puts bonemonkeys teeny little bonemonkey in the shade?
My parents rock?? Let me ask you this - Who won the Satsuma throwing contest? I'll give you a clue - It was me!
Make that just teeny his little monkey. There is little evidence of the bone part.
and I thought you spent all that time at University practicing spanking the monkey. Now I know you were lying and were really throwing fruit and recording it on hi-def S-VHS.
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